Resilience and Updating Old Stories

One term you might have heard in therapy is resilience. Resilience is when a person uses the tools available to them to help navigate challenges. Factors that contribute to resilience are perspective and worldview, available resources, coping strategies, and the ability to ask for help.

Last week I had an incredibly embarrassing experience, and I am going to tell you about it. Why? Because it showcases resilience and the difference between working from a strength-based perspective and a shame-based perspective. Both options were available to me at the time, and I had to consciously choose to play to my strengths and recognize and use the resources available to me at the time.

I was at my office and ran to the washroom between clients. When I returned to my office, the door was locked. Oh my…… In my haste to rush around before my next appointment, I had locked myself out of my office. There I was standing in the lobby, no shoes, no phone, no computer. I felt that first rush of panic. I could feel strong emotions flowing and I could also sense myself yearning to fall into those feelings, letting myself be swept away. And there was also a voice that said, “No, giving in won’t serve you in this moment”. So, I used some coping strategies like noticing me feet and letting them gently peddle back and forth; measured breathing while I made a conscious effort to stay grounded. I looked around to see what resources were available to me: I tried picking the lock; I went outside in my sock feet to see if any of the other business owners had a set of keys; I called the landlord. Finally, I had to admit there was no way I was getting back into my office without causing myself some severe emotional harm.

So again, I used my coping strategies and asked for help. I kept peddling my feet, and when my client arrived, I apologized for what had happened and she was kind enough to offer me a ride home in my sock feet. Was I embarrassed - yes! Did I manage to make it home without loosing my shit - yes! Was I uncomfortable – so very very much so. I prioritized the next step which was to get home and locate the spare keys. My office mate was extremely supportive, and when I showed up at his home to pick up the spare set of keys, he held my hand and made sure I could feel that genuine connection, those true feelings of support. Another social resource, and I let him hold my hand instead of withdrawing into my embarrassment and pretending I was okay.

Once I had solved the office dilemma and I was home safe and sound, I did let my body move through the emotions of fear, frustration, embarrassment, sadness. I recognized the familiar thoughts of “you are a failure”; “how could you be so stupid”; “you are such an embarrassment that you might as well quit now”. I had a little talk with myself and reminded myself that I am actually quite skilled at navigating difficult situations. I looked for the strengths in my story: I had managed to follow a complex series of steps and prioritize tasks to solve the problem. I reminded myself of my skills; how I used to manage aerial flight crews while navigating weather patterns, government agencies, people, and equipment failures. I was able to reflect on how my protector-side was trying to keep me safe by telling me some pretty mean things, and I was able to stay connected with my adult-self who is skilled at looking objectively at situations, wants to see me grow, and understands that mistakes happen. I leaned on my emotional supports and had a good cry to my beloved.

These difficult moments are opportunities. If we can use tools to help us stay in the present moment there is an opportunity to hear those familiar messages from our protector-selves. Those voices that tell us we aren’t good enough and need updating.

My personal work continues through my choice to write this blog post and reflect on my experience. The work continues as I prepare to post it to my social media sites and come up against fears of revealing parts of myself that are anything less than perfect. I choose to love myself and hope that sharing this story might create space for myself and for someone else who reads it. I choose to put into writing, “mistakes are mistakes and one fuck up won’t end the world”.

If you read this and can relate, you might notice that there are familiar patterns that are holding you back, or you find yourself easily swept off your feet in tense situations. You can choose to work with a therapist to help you recognize your strengths and resources and develop coping skills and strategies for navigating tense situations. You can practice asking for help by contacting me today.